i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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