brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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