Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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