I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
