I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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