I'll bet she douches with gravy.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
