Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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