My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
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