The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
