Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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