i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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