I accidentally had phone sex last night
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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