turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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