She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
