if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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