you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
