If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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