What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
