Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
