I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
