I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
