her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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