wanna go halves on a baby?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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