don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I deserve this hangover.
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