so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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