between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Randomize
