Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize