dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
