Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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