literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
