you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
