I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
