ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
