On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
