I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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