i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
