put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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