Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I could make wine with my vomit
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He better not be in your backpack
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
