i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
