i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
