Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
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Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
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17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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