No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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