He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
