The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
