life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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