So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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