her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
