Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
