Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
