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so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
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