I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
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I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
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You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancĂ© called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"