Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
29 Unspoken Rules Of “Bro Code”
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
I hate when you're right.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.