Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
