i would punch a child for taco bell
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
