I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
sex in a hospital.. check
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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