I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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