You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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