i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
