shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
