i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
